Never Invade Hogwarts
by lunakatrina
Summary: This is a complete and utter spoof and exists purely for amusement. Voldemort invades Hogwarts, and the teachers are taken hostage: confusion, crossdressing, and dancing ensues. one shot.


Okay, this is just a silly little fic I got inspired to write after editing some pics of me in a Japanese school uniform. I started to think about what Harry would be like if he dressed up in one and how in hell he could actually wear it…this was the result… oh and by the way, the only reason I have a Japanese school uniform is because me and my friends dressed up in them and did indeed dance to "Groovy" in them.

Another note, the Japanese uniforms are going to be referred to as Sailor Moon suits, because I found most people can identify Sailor Moon easier than they can a Japanese school uniform…go fig.

I don't own Harry Potter, West Side Story, Card Captor Sakura, Groovy,or Sailor Moon (or anything else I might've forgotten to mention), I just entertain myself with the impossible possibilities.

**Never Invade Hogwarts: If the Cross-Dressing Doesn't Kill You, The Boy-Who-Lived-In-Drag Will**

In the beginning: Voldemort should have known it was going to be a bad day when his Quibbler showed up late and it had a boy that looked suspiciously like Harry Potter in a pink evening gown front the front page. It had been enough to make him choke on his tea, which was too sweet, but Voldemort was the very persona coolness until his teacup started singing "I'm a Little Teapot."

Which it bloody well was not!

* * *

"What are we going to do Harry?" Hermione whispered in panic as they hid in an alcove watching the invading Death Eaters.

Harry bit his lip, thinking deeply.

"We've got to do something, Harry!" Ron whispered hysterically, "You-know-who—"

"No, I don't," Harry replied, "I really don't."

"Harry," Hermione hissed, grabbing Harry's arm, "we have to save Hogwarts!"

"How do you not know who you-know-who is?" Ron demanded.

"Okay!" Harry exclaimed throwing his arms out, "I _have_ an **idea**!"

"What is it?" Hermione asked.

"We're going to need all the skirts in the girl's dorms," Harry replied, "Hermione, you go and get the Gryffindor girls and bring all the skirts down to the common room. Ron you go tell the other houses the plan and bring them and the skirts to the Gryffindor dorms. Do you all know what to do?"

"Why do we need skirts, Harry?" Hermione asked, staring at Harry in confusion.

Harry sighed and looked down helplessly, "I'm sorry it came to this," Harry replied, "but the only way we can stop Voldemort," Ron and Hermione flinched, "is by cross-dressing."

* * *

"Harry," Hermione said, looking desperate, "there must be another way."

Hermione handed the next boy in line a skirt.

"No," Harry replied, "this is the only way. Here you go Neville."

Neville took the skirt and held it up in front of him, staring at it like it was from another planet. Then he turned back to Harry and asked, "Do we—"

"Yes," Harry replied, "this is the _only_ way. Now please move you're blocking the line."

Neville hurried away.

"I just don't understand how putting all the boys in skirts will save Hogwarts," Hermione exclaimed in exasperation.

Draco cut in line and grabbed the skirt from Hermione's hands, exclaiming, "_Christ_ Granger, even you can't be that dumb."

"I'm glad you came over to the light," Harry told Draco, holding his hand out. Draco shook Harry's hand firmly.

"And miss _this_?" Draco exclaimed, "Like hell!"

"Do you remember the basic plan?" Harry asked.

"Oh yeah," Draco replied, "We only did it last year."

"Suit up, solider," Harry replied, grinning at something. (Sailor Moon is also known as Pretty Soldiers Sailor Moon)

Draco laughed and replied, "Clever."

Harry nodded in agreement, "I thought so."

Then Malfoy walked away studying the skirt.

"What was that all about?" Hermione demanded as she handed out yet another skirt to a first year boy who stared at Harry with starry eyes.

"The plan," Harry replied, "to get rid of Voldemort."

The entire room flinched.

"And save Hogwarts," Harry finished handing a skirt to the first year boy's friend.

Then Malfoy appeared his hair long and floating, horrifically blonde around his face, wearing the skirt and a sailor shirt, Harry jumped on the table all of the skirts were draped over and called for everyone's attention.

"Okay, we need all of the boys to go with Malfoy to learn the plan," Harry announced, "it's very important that you all participate to the best of your ability to defeat Voldemort," the entire room flinched, "so everyone get into your skirt, Malfoy will transfigure your shirt and then go with him, and forget everything you've ever learned about masculinity in order to preserve the school for future generations."

"Harry," Hermione yelled, "for once and for all, what are you doing!"

"We're going to dress up like Sailor Moon and sing and dance to _Groovy _(one of the Card Captor Sakura themes) in order to scare Voldemort out of Hogwarts," Harry yelled, throwing a fist up in the air.

"**_What_**?" Ron demanded in shock.

"And believe me," Draco added, "If this doesn't scare all of them, nothing will!"

"Out in the hallway!" Harry yelled, and despite the fact that the plan was lacking in logic and very strange _and_ required cross-dressing, all of the boys went out in the hallway to learn the dance.

Harry jumped down from the table and muttered, "Man, I love being a celebrity."

"What was that, Harry?" Hermione demanded.

"We're going to save Hogwarts," Harry replied meekly.

Hermione narrowed her eyes.

"The skirts, Hermione!" Harry yelled, "You're holding up the line!"

* * *

"So," Harry whispered to Draco, "where are they?"

"The Great Hall," he replied, "they've taken the teachers hostage. This is our only chance to see straight bo—save them...and Hogwarts."

"What about us?" A Slytherin, by the name of Blaise Zabini asked.

"_Hello_," Draco replied, rolling his eyes, "we could've escaped how often?"

"Several times at least," Harry replied.

"Several times at least," Draco told Blaise Zabini, "It's your own fault if you decided to stay and try to save Hogwarts."

"So, they're in the Great Hall?" Harry asked.

Draco nodded, and replied, "We can hit them from the entrance and block their escape."

"Sounds brilliant," Harry exclaimed.

"Right," Draco said nodding and he stood up, "let's do it!"

Harry, Draco and the entire population of boys headed down to the Great Hall. They stopped just outside of it to finalize the plan.

"Okay, now everyone be sure and smile," Harry encouraged, "Girls and boys—who didn't get skirts, since all of you aren't going to be doing the dance, we need you to beat the crap out of everyone after we finish and they're left in a daze."

"What exactly are you going to be doing again?" Pavati asked, and she and Lavender collapsed into giggles.

Draco rolled his eyes saying, "This is a very serious matter."

"The fate of Hogwarts rests in our hands." Harry yelled, "Now let's go shock some Death Eater ass!"

Everyone cheered and then became silent as Harry and Draco headed out to give the opening speech.

They walked in front of the doorway and Draco and Harry looked at each other and nodded once.

Then they pointed into the Great Hall and yelled, "Stop right there!"

"'I am Sailor Moon!'" They continued together, "'defender of truth and justice, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means you! And in the name of the moon, I shall punish you!'"

Then the music started playing, and in a manner reminiscent of West Side Story, all the boys walked out snapping in time with the music.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters stared…but so did the teachers.

"Nah, nah, nah, nah," the boys sang, smiling brightly snapping and swaying from their right to left foot.

Then they all jumped in sync yelling "FUU!

The song continued in this manner the boys dancing along with lines, which roughly translated meant things like "let's go out on the town, it's gloomy being by yourself" and "Everyone let's go wild and love each other."

By the time the first verse was finished, many of the death eaters had twitches of varying degrees.

At the end of the song with the boys prancing around dancing to lines like "Brand-new love song, halle hallelujah, everyone let's go wild and love each other, groovy love song halle hallelujah, let's forget the bad things and love each other, brand-new love song, halle hallelujah, let's dance for tomorrow," they went into the grand finale with all the boys singing, "let's be kind, let's be accepting" in Japanese.

The song ended…

The Death Eaters who had not died from heart attacks were in varying stages of shock or were crawling on the ground pleading for mercy.

Voldemort was slowly liquefying, yelling, "I'm melting, I'm meeeelllting!"

Lucius Malfoy applauded, and Draco waved to his dad and then pulled on his skirt, apparently it had gotten caught in his teddy bear boxers.

The professors at Hogwarts were staring wide-eyed at the boys, and professor Snape was smirking at Harry in a way that spelled out torture for his remaining potion days. Harry nodded to all of his teachers.

"Well," Harry announced, "We've done it. In a spectacular battle, we, the students of Hogwarts have defeated Voldemort."

A spell came whizzing over the heads of the boys and hit Lucius Malfoy, the only standing Death Eater in the chest, producing a rather nasty result that could only be known as the bat-boogey effect, Harry turned around.

"Hey, I was about to give the moral of the story here!" Harry yelled.

"Well, you told us to take the Death Eaters out…and he was the only one left," Ginny yelled back.

"Well, whatever," Harry yelled back, "don't interrupt my moral."

"Is there a moral?" Draco asked.

"Of course there is," Harry replied.

"No," Draco said thoughtfully, "I'm pretty sure there isn't one."

"Listen!" Harry yelled, stomping his foot, "I am the moody, prissy main character of the best selling series of books and movies ever! And if I say there's a moral, there is bloody well a moral!"

"Okay, Miss Thang," Draco muttered rolling his eyes, "don't get your skirt in a bunch."

"Now," Harry murmured thoughtfully, "what could the moral be…"

"Good always triumphs over evil?" Ron suggested.

"No," Harry said, shaking his head, "that's not right."

"Never invade Hogwarts?" Draco suggested, "Don't piss off a cross-dressing boy-who-lived?"

"Close," Harry replied, flattening his skirt. "But no bananas."

"Happy music can melt even the staunchest evil?" Ginny proposed. (Pun…I can't go one story without one, can I?)

Harry shook his head and then threw his hand up in the air, "I've got it," he yelled, "Hermione should listen to me when I say the skirts will work!"

Everyone booed Hermione, and Harry and Draco stuck sailor moon poses.

"Wait," Harry yelled, "my speech!"

"We have to have a party first!" Fred and George exclaimed, rushing forward in their sailor outfits to grab Harry and pull him away.

"Wait a minute," Harry said, "didn't you graduate?"

Fred and George shared a look as music, food, and decorations were brought into the Great Hall, and they replied together, "No…"

"Well, all right then," Harry replied, running off to join the party.

"You know," Draco said, all but swooning in-between the twins, "I always thought it was sexy that you two could finish each other's sentences."

Fred and George grinned mischievously and one of them said, "Yeah, it—"

"Is pretty—" the other said.

"Cool." They finished together. Then they proceeded to drag Malfoy (who is in drag…another pun) out of the hall, and somewhere where the teachers wouldn't catch them.

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
